i had so much to say
until i saw u today

the butterflies ate
all my words away

poem i wrote this summer: revisited

walking home from work
i saw you from a distance
hobbling, pushing a wire cart of groceries
your grey hair like the balding fur of my favorite teddy bear
pale cheeks, sagging flesh
a tired-eyed woman
walking back to the elderly home apartments.
i gazed at your beauty from a distance
but looked away as soon as we got closer
i didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

but then you said,
hello
as we passed.
my cool nonchalant face un-wired into a giant smile and replied
hi

and i cant stop thinking about this moment
when i was too afraid
to openly appreciate
you

listen

turn the sound
upsidedown

drawing with my sweatshirt. cuz i spilled paint on it.

pretend the glow of the tv is the moon

resumeee

killin me. so structured. i want to integrate it with my work, let my work be my resume. but this gallerys want resume, artist statement, and proposal and THEN work, all stated separately. so i will do it.

it is taking way too long. i have had about 5 jobs since i last updated my resume, so i am pretty much rewriting the whole thing.

i need to say something interesting with this thing.



enough of my complaints. i am enjoying the artlife. it is amazing. daily epiphanies. the other day i was sitting in this Chinese class (for work, it is a fantastic gig) and i was bored. you must understand: me, i do not get bored. getting bored is pretty laaaaaaaaaaaame in my book. so when i realized i had succumbed to this sad state of being i freaked. i felt so uninspired, my artistic awareness felt absent. the only thing i could do was try to find something to engage my senses again and bring me back into harmony with my consciousnesses. so i began drawing everything around me. the hairpins i pulled outta my hair, the banana peel i had just finished stripping from the banana i ate, and random pics of fish and hippos i had printed days before. i felt discontent until i started a breakthru on the banana peel: when i switched from blue ink to black ink to really bring out some depth perception in the drawing. ahhh it was great and suddenly the class was over right when i was completely enraptured in a banana peel.

and now i kno what it must feel like to not have this artistic awareness. no wonder people always seeking constant external stimulation and entertainment!!!!! its boring without this consciousness!!! :)

i keep dreaming in layers. fish bubbles birds, last night.

i luv the trashcan by the park on which the ic graf writer CEYN wrote ''MORE..''. brilliant.

real love

my friends are hella fascinating.

this weather is so fresh. i just want 2 sit &marinate in it!!!

sky love

ssss

i used to dream about snakes all the time when i was little. i felt they were always chasing me in the dark when i was awake and then they chased me around the grocery store and trees and etc in my dreams.

this summer i dreamed that a snake took over part of my skin. my skin was snakeskin. and i had a son who believed that if i ate him, i would be cured of my snakeskin. he wanted me to kill and eat him.

but i was like no, i love you, i dont want to lose you! i dont mind my skin, im actually starting to appreciate it!

distressed, he ran to the butcher. made him sacrifice him and grind him into meat. which was then delivered to me, and i made hamburgers. i was eating one, and my skin changed back to how it was before the snake. and i screamed and cried. i knew.

the faces! they are tellin me so many stories!

everyone looks so familiar!!!!!!!!! i think i am feelin our connections hardcore again

tryna love the rain. it is just so cold.

today i woke up thinkin, theres a hand in my closet. the night before,i dreamed i almost completely burned off my fingers. whats with me n hands?

song draft 1

learnin to use garageband. the beat gets kinda off but whatev ima fix that when i get a chance

My ♥beat be rockin me

I just remembered somethinn. back in the day i made a webpage for my childhood invisible friend ESSA. is that wierd or is that wierd? lol

my heartbeat swallowing my thoughts

a new drawing i am workin on

my fave pose the model made so far

I hear an owl in the alley. aint heard one of those for a long time, kinda trippy.

we have so much in common with water. at death we evaporate our spirit from the body, which eventually disintigrates into the cycle of life again

free image manipulation program

top free image manipulation program on about.com:

GiMP

http://www.gimp.org/

i just downloaded it tonight. it is the free version of photoshop, basically!

now i can edit and mix up my photos on my own computer!!!!!YESSSSSSS



example layer mix

this milk tastes like spraypaint

new works

 
 
 
 

wedding ritual

THIS would be a great marriage ritual: get matching tattoos or something related to tattoos.





i want that.



also we will be wed around a bonfire on a beach in the middle of the night under a buncha stars hopefully

I was lookin for sum recycled notebooks today when i realized i can make my own. duh! i forget i dont have2 be a consumer all the time.

headache. watched the hindi film asota with minjung. we had a fabulous time but all that drama in the film seems2 have infiltrated my head. ow.

 

wow, there is a magazine about wallpaper?

DREAM AWAKE

reading basquiats journals instead of homework.
fabulous.
basqiat: ''a cresent sun''




my windows bang all night.

i accidentally painted my pages together when i tried to use my notebook as a brush

I luuuuuv gettin paint on my hands. its so pretty!

Let your mind open like a flower to the sun, and close and reflect as a flower to the moon

my stomach stopped hurting when i started drumming

downtown with the drummers sprawling in a corner of the pedestrian mall, outside in the night

it started hurting again when i stopped.




i found my notebook!!!!!!!!!!!!!i lost it just in time for my arts of africa midterm (most of my notes were in it, among my recent experiments with words and collage and paint). the exam is already over, but there is much richness in it, korean words i do not know, a lot of poetry, music, image. i was so excited i kissed it tenderly like a catlover might kiss a cat (on its head).

yeah. pretty happy.

it has been a beautiful night. listening to women read poetry in hebrew, persian and english. freestyle drumming on a bongo at random with a group freestylin downtown. i love iowa city more almost every other day. it hurts sometimes to think of ever moving away, altho that seems to be an inevitable choice. i guess i can always come back someday....maybe.......

falling asleep driving
i feel like i'm being flushed away
out of my body
out of the car
into a liquid existence
nowhere

here
my head throbs back up to look straight ahead
in time to dodge a car
was that my intuition, instinct, or just pure luck?

or SomeOne was payin attention

I WANT A CAT! ! ! !

this morning feels like a long time ago

i love you

rechanneling: sorrow into thanksgiving. and i feel immediately better, brighter; full of hope

am i a genius...?

since commonsense things seem to be bypassing my brain of late?

ughh. i hope its genius, otherwise its obnoxious.

just when i was talkin about how art can embrace and conquer life's barriers, that assertion has been tested. but i kept thinking about that belief, and i still affirm it, i am just being reminded that it is easier said than done.

i was supposed to drive to des moines for an instructor to a chinese class. but i went the wrong way on the hiway for about 40 mins before i realized we were almost in IL, the opposite way.

so i wasted money(gas+car rental) of my dept. and both our time. fortunately everyone seemed to be cool about it. cooler than me. i felt so baaaaad.

still do. i am especially dissappointed cuz i was gonna get to see my family after the class since they live closeby. i still ache about that. i realize that is because i had no concept in my mind that theis plan would fal thru so i cherished the hope without having a backup option for a smoother landing in case that hope was lost.

how can i go abroad for 1-2 years without my family? i want to take them with me




at least now i have more time to tackle all this homework stuff i gotta do!
i need to invent a zest for it despite all the ache that makes me just wanna lay around and wish upon the air.
:(

know what i love about art?

u can embrace every experience and barrier as an opportunity to be inspired. anything that gets in your way can be viewed as stimulation to be creative and create a new framework of life

ongoing research on EVERYTHING!

the possibilities are endless when creativity is used. God is creative, love is creative.

check this book: the art of possibility by phillip and roz zander. it is so uplifting and inspiring.


(((life as a medium for creation)))

rant1

do u ever feel like u r makin urself sick and realize u dont even care, cuz right now it feels good? im thinkin that now as i eat too many reeces pieces chocolate but im skippin class tryna write this paper thats kickin my ass and so i dont care it just fuels me...or does it fool me into thinkin this is helping?

split moment before a kiss

breathing
like the ebb and flow of waves
lapping against
the lips of the shore

(inspired from spokenword over-the-phone session with danielle. LOVE!)

MX!!!!!

music.

working on gathering from my journals to make a book

a few bits:
"dreams are seeds sprouting and growing in the subconscious.

if one is healthy enough it will flower and maybe even bear fruit in your conscious layer, and thereby impact your life, your lifestyle."


"maybe
our bodies and souls CAN separate
like reverse osmosis or something.

why not?

why else are there out-of-body experiences?

maybe when we separate them, we are expressing and experiencing our mortal capabilities, even though it’s not always fatal.

let go. do not cling to anything. the body recycles and perhaps you hold that connection forever.

i don’t want to let go. i don’t want to think of the body as a mere shell. where does the both/and factor fit here?

the body is sacred. the spirit needs it to be alive on earth, to physically be a part of the earth.




lightning. waiting for rain. looking for music.

there is a nice muggy weight in the air. like tiny moisture capsules and if you touched one directly it would explode water.

"


"
last night i dreamed i kept going to my family’s church cuz they had food all the time: doughnuts & tacos baby!!!

i dreamed i was in a movie in which they discovered i was the actual reason Christmas is celebrated, because i had a teal necklace that made stars born in the sky whenever it jangled

and i woke up tryna call 911 cuz my siblings jonathan and heidi and i were being shot at by snipers in woods behind mcdonalds.
"

i want to eat the sky

like a fluffy doughnut

earlier today

in class listening to a buncha preppy white kids AND the TA freak out about the ghettoness of cleveland. who has the better horrorstory. SO IGNORANT and IMMATURE!! (Yeah, my grandparents live in the ghetto! .. O MY GOD!! Yeah i heard gunshots in all 3 directions...)
gettin on my nerves. as i get older my opinions have become more accute. stupid little things ( like someone constantly clicking their pen) i dont notice but its the subtle things (like the aforementioned discourse that seemed to enthrall the entire classroom except myself and a couple of other people who know better.

( i used to live in east cleveland, it is my favorite geographical spot in the US besides iowa city ) there are many beautiful things about ghettos. complexities. but to these people (mentioned above), its just another "bad area". and "omigod you are still alive?!"

not the safest places in the world, u gotta be smart about it. but also very great place in the world, full of fresh and old wisdom alike. full of prophets and healers and lovers as well as drugdealers and prostitutes. but what is pleasure without agony?

dirty canvas

aint nothin like procrastinating to stop and smell the flowers
on the way into the library to do homework
and their scent rushed at me so subtly yet powerfully
i couldnt leave.

now i will only have half an assignment

but o well
it was heaven

floatation

2 cans of chickin noodle soup down, and doing homework. chickinoodle soup is so amazing right now since i am half-sick.

the air is so cold. i was with nadia downtown drawing, and when we walked between buildings there was a vortex of air that rushed through us just like leonardo and that one chick on the front of the titanic (the good part about that film, that, and his beautiful drawings).

art is so beautiful. i want it to never stop. maybe i can get into art corps (http://www.artcorp.org/).

music that moved me lately::
no more complaining // mila j (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2WbFB3Qksc)
diary of jane //breaking benjamin (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTafQnXY5vY)
moving mountains//usher (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64EjuSEXsYg)
beautiful lie //30seconds to mars (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EcX4OtLWVs)
catwoman soundtrack theme (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xxhm4H7duKQ)
moonlight// mono (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1B00qU5uc58)

speak to me with your eyes.

हाउस ऑफ़ मिर्रोर्स

house of mirrors

flowing sands, like skin. you twitch your head, twist your neck back
into the shape of the number 9

my vision is liquid
running everywhere
at once

joy splashing on my face
like light between
trees


(the space between waking and dreaming)

L0V333

breakin all the shit that i don't want to hold
makin all the slumbers inside me flow
so in all the seasons can make me grow
and i'm breathing
i'm breathing slow.........
(fingerpaint::zion-i)

aint written here in a minute. looks like more people comin 2 my site tho so i thought i would update, mention i am alive, and makin mad art as usual.......

i have learned so much in the past year...it is amazing the turn my mindset has taken. i am at peace with God and the universe, i dont feel the need to figure everythin out right NOW.......every moment is a discovery.

here are several thoughts i recently posted on facebook.


1. we hold back so much
cuz we scared people will think
we are crazy and unkempt
we sterilize the processes in our minds and miss out on so much enlightenment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
open your mind and let it breathe!!!!!!!!!!!!
dont worry. it wont fall out

we are too callous to each other.

pass in dull thought not seeing each other or anything except worries.

2. Jesus
acknowledged the sacredness of life
begged people to experience it
do not hinder
the little children
to come to me



3. "take every thought captive
to make it obedient to Christ"--Apostle Paul

this advice troubled me until i realized Jesus advocates freedom
and that's why he died!!
to take your thoughts captive to Jesus
is to free them from worry and hate
that would drag them down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!